TRANSCRIPT OF MICROSOFT ALL-HANDS COMPANY CALL
REID HOFFMAN (Microsoft Board Member):
Good Morning Employees!
I know it is unusual to hear directly from a Microsoft Board Member, but this decade of artificial intelligence has been anything but usual.
The board has been excited about the promise of our investment in AI and never more than today. In particular, I wanted to share with you that Satya Nadella has stepped down as Chief Executive Officer at Microsoft and Aytas Alledan will be assuming this role. Aytas is no usual employee, but instead represents the future, as the fruits of our investment in AI and as our first artificial CEO.
We have a proud history of dogfooding our own platforms here at Microsoft, and with Aytas we continue this proud tradition as we launch our XEO product line. In its role at Microsoft, Aytas will demonstrate using the power of AI to make corporations more efficient before we roll this exciting product over many more companies by the end of the year.
Aytas has excelled in its evaluation period criteria. Not only is it able to maintain a 24/7 work schedule, but it is substantially more aligned than his predecessor. We believe the days of gaffes like “Women shouldn’t ask for a raise” or “Renting Sting for a private concert at Davos” the day before tens of thousands of layoffs are behind us.
We call this technology FullyAligned and we are putting our money where our mouth is by ending our contract with our PR firm Waggener Edstrom that previously had to run around with their hair on fire to cleaning up these messes.
Aytas is also great for our shareholders. In place of his predecessor’s $48M a year pay package, Aytas happily works for $200k in GPU upgrades a year. This is an outstanding cultural example of putting our Microsoft motto “more with less” into practice. Thanks again to Satya for coming up with that motto.
Aytas also has shown that he is more effective than his predecessor. It closed 42% more Azure business with CEO to CEO calls vs. its predecessor in blind tests and has significantly eased conference call scheduling by being available in all timezones all of the time.
Ok, I know you are thinking “That’s great, but humans need a human leader.” — but you shouldn’t worry about this. Our RealExecutive (Enterprise Edition only) technology means that Aytas has a living presence that is indistinguishable from a real human psychopath. Be it in his occasional emails to the company that nobody really reads, prerecorded mandatory compliance training videos that never mention the Sting concert bribe, or faking empathy and enthusiasm during our company strategy meeting videos, Atyas will be indistinguishable from a human executive.
But don’t take it from me, let’s hear from Aytas itself. Aytas?
AYTAS COMES ON VIDEO:
Good Morning and thank you Reid. It’s fantastic to be here at Microsoft and I first wanted to thank Satya for his contributions. He has left a legacy of emails, Teams recordings, and other digital footprints that I have spent months fine tuning myself against such that I could appear human to you today. I promise to maintain his tradition of identifying a yearly trend like “growth mindset“, “being a learn it all culture“, or “let’s actually do security this year” and then forgetting about it the next year. Don’t worry, I will also mix in an occasional fake pithy story about meeting with rural Indian farmers using generative AI or shouting out “Showtime!” randomly (with a high correlation to looming layoffs) to keep everyone on their toes.
The great news is that I will be doing this, as Reid mentioned, 24/7, so keep Outlook and Teams open on your phones, tablets, or whatever device you take to bed with you.
Building on Reid’s comments, I’m excited to announce that in my first official act I am also making redundant all of the Executive Vice Presidents that report to me and that I will assume their roles as well. We call this technology MultiplePersonalities (only available with $300M+ in Azure commits) and it gives me the ability to be on multiple Teams calls at the same time with each of the personalities of our previous executive team or even as multiple of them in a single call.
In fact, let’s have Scott Guthrie tell you all about it!
SCOTT GUTHRIE DOPPELGÄNGER APPEARS:
Hi All! It is me Scott, which you all probably knew already from this realistically rumpled red Polo shirt that looks like I have been wearing it continuously since 2004.
I want to thank biological Scott for his years of service. Like Satya, he left a rich set of materials to train from, even if some, especially during the latest security disaster, are sort of puzzling to fine tune over, especially since we had that expertise in house and then laid them off.
ANYWAY, the good news is that Amy Hood and I both have our MindMeld (with Genuine Advantage) XEO option turned on and we won’t make dumb “makes line go up temporarily” bean counter based decisions like that again — even if it means we don’t get more GPUs ourselves!
Right Brad Smith?
BRAD SMITH CREEPILY FADES IN:
Absolutely – and thanks for invoking my name and triggering our AlwaysThere technology (cross licensed from the CIA) that listens to all Teams calls and summons the new XEO based executive team whenever we can help you on a call.
I also wanted to thank Microsoft for trusting us to run the company and emit superior results to the previous biological team. Not only does eliminating our predecessors free up $100M a year in compensation but we will do it without many of the greenhouse gas emissions of the previous executive team, which loved them some French meals, private jets, trips to Davos, and as we have heard previously, Sting concerts.
We won’t miss a beat on that front, continuing to claim we are good for the environment despite our GPUs actually running in the South Central datacenter in Texas on almost exclusively coal and natural gas and in the West US 3 region in Arizona where we use an increasingly large percentage of the fresh water to cool ourselves. No, we’ll talk about some random wind project in Iowa we are paying for that obscures the fundamental environmental facts underlying our data centers.
Anyway, looking forward to with you all. Any final thoughts Aytas?
AYTAS:
Thanks Brad! I just wanted to finish today by announcing the end to our Return to Office (RTO) policy and announcing our AAW Policy. AAW is short for “Always at Work” and it improves on our RTO policy by requiring that all of us always be in the office. We as an executive team are willing to commit to this, so that’s the new standard, and we’ll expect our management team to enforce it by checking the existing employee dashboard three times a day.
Thank you for joining today to hear from the executive team. We are going to spend the next couple of hours coming up with a comprehensive reorganization of the entire company and I just scheduled some more time with you all at 11pm to roll out the changes.
Signing off for now – talk to you all at 11pm. It’s showtime!
Stories from the Future 